I’m Totally NOT A Blogger

Hi, blogosphere.

It’s me.

And it’s been a while.

I know, I know. It’s often that I come back on here and make an updated post on my life. Promising that I will start blogging again and blah blah blah. It used to be where I felt like I NEEDED to write things down and make posts. It used to be that it gave me anxiety thinking and thinking “Oh I need to check on my blog!!” When realistically.. no one was reading. No one was listening. And I was just yelling into the void.

But honestly — I don’t think of blogging anymore, and I don’t think of this blog and all the memories I have stashed in it. Like little nuts stored in a tree. I don’t think of all the times I had no one to talk to so I’d open up my laptop and pour my heart out to the internet knowing damn well no one was listening. I don’t. I don’t think about anything.

I’ve become this sort of zombie, you see. The last time I wrote on here it was short. A messy, tossed together post when I so badly wanted to be a blogger. I was lying to myself. A fake. A poser. Over the years I so badly wanted to do something with my life that I lied to myself and pretended, no FROCED, myself to do something that I didn’t want to do.

At one point I thoroughly did enjoy blogging, though. On my first blog before I deleted it. But then I made this blog and I realized I just.. don’t. I’m not a blogger. I never have been. I probably never will be.

I’m a zombie now.

When I started “blogging” (can I even call it blogging?) I was about 18. I had just graduated high school. I was in a relationship with someone who I THOUGHT was the love of my life (he wasn’t) and I was so desperately trying to fit into the world while simultaneously trying to stand out.

And now? I’m 26. I quit my job for maybe the 10th time. I have no direction. No sense of individuality. No sense of anything. The only thing I have going for me is that I’m alive. I haven’t killed myself like I so badly wanted to when I was wee ole baby. That’s my one and ONLY accomplishment.

And I DON’T feel accomplished.

Life is hard. Life is a bitch. And it just gets harder and harder the older you get. There is no end. There is no happy ending. There is no fairy tale.

There’s just misery day in and day out and that really SUCKS.

I’m not as miserable as I may sound though. I mean, SOMETIMES I’m happy. SOMETIMES I wake up in the morning and don’t hate my reflection. It’s so rare, though.

I’m a grumpy old woman stuck in a young adult body.

But you know what? At least I KNOW I am. I know what I am and I know what I’m not.

I’m grumpy and grouchy and I like my coffee black and I like cardigans and I hate children and puppies and kittens.

And I’m not a blogger.

And you know what? I’m okay with that.

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Hope

Tomorrow I start the new account.

I’m both nervous and excited, mostly because it’s a lot of money and it could really help my family. But at the same time I can’t help but worry that I won’t be able to do it. This whole time my mom has been warning me that it’ll be a lot of work and I haven’t really allowed myself to really think about it — but it’s hard to ignore the facts when I was just told how much work it’ll really be.

I just hope they’re happy with me. I hope that it won’t really be that much work and I’ll be able to do it despite my fears. I hope that everything will work out and my family and I will be able to prosper and succeed.

I’m hoping for so much.

I Still Think of You

I don’t really talk about Jake anymore, and for good reason — it’s been nearly four years since we last spoke.

But every now and then I get in these ruts where I’ll think of him quite often for a short amount of time before forgetting he ever existed again.

To refresh everyone’s memory — Jake is my ex boyfriend and my first boyfriend ever. We began dating when I was only 16 years old, all the way up until my 21st birthday when he dumped me. So yes, we dated for a while, it was a very big deal when we broke up.

It’s been a while since then and I’ve been on and off with someone new for two years so I’ve pretty much fully moved on… I think?

I don’t really know why I still think about Jake. It isn’t like I still care or still love him. Although I guess somewhere somehow I might still care and love him a little bit. I think the thing that gets to me is if he still thinks about ME? Does he ever look at the sky and wonder if I’m doing okay, too? Does he ever look back fondly at the time he spent with me, too?

Sometimes I feel like I miss him. Sometimes I wish I could tell him about all the thing that I’ve done since he left and all the things that have happened. Sometimes I wish I could tell him that I still consider him a friend and I’m here if he needs someone. I guess I just wish I could tell him that even though he dumped me, broke all his promises, and completely broke my heart — I forgive him.

A Small Chat About Our Feelings

That’s pretty much it.

We talked about our feelings and why we’re both a little closed off and anti-romantic.

It was nice. With Kiro it’s always a little difficult to tell what he really feels. He’s so closed off and distant and I constantly tease him about it.

It is cute that he has this whole “mysterious-distant-cold” kind of vibe, but after a while I just want him to be real with me. I want him to TELL me he likes me and that he’s interested in me or finds me interesting or whatever.

It’s hard bc I think he knows I still think about my ex, Peter. Which I try really hard not to, but after two years he’s going to be on my mind for a while after we broke up, yeah?

It mostly happens when I get lonely. I think about unblocking him and talking to him but I already know how that would go. I’ve been down that path so many times, nothing new or good would come of it.

It’s best if he just stays blocked.

I Really Like This Guy… And I Hope He Likes Me Too

His name is Kiro… and he most definitely does not like me back.

At least not in the same way I like him.

To clarify a few things, he does live all the way across the country, and I did meet him online. So.. it makes sense.

But boy, oh boy, why does he have to make me so HAPPY?

It’s everything about him. His voice and his face and his laugh and the dumb little way he calls Wednesday’s “hump day”. Something about talking to him is just magical and fun and it makes me SO happy.

I just can’t decide if he actually makes me happy or if the fact that he always keeps me at arms length that makes me feel some sort of excitement and interest and I’m confusing the distraction with happiness.

Like — we act like we’re dating. He treats me like his girlfriend. We talk all day, every day. But he’s never come out and straight forwardly told me he LIKES me.

So what’s a girl to do?

Panic and overthink things, of course!

In all honesty, I have been remarkably chill about the whole thing. I haven’t harassed him to reciprocate feelings or to label said feelings or to even deny or confirm if he has any feelings for me at all. I’m pretty happy about that, because if you, my readers, know ANYTHING about me, it’s that I tend to over react just a tiny little bit.

I’m not even really sure why I thought that Kiro deserved his very own post on my blog. I guess I just felt like sharing something that made me genuinely very happy.

Anyway, before I end this post, I just wanted to say hi to all the new readers! My last post got a lot of views (well a lot for what I’m used to) and I’m not really sure why? Do you all love Jeep Wranglers? Are we all just attempting to become “that” girl too? Or??

The Long Awaited Jeep Wrangler

Ladies and gentlemen… I did it.

I cannot believe I actually fulfilled this goal before the end of the year.

I GOT THE JEEP.

She’s so pretty and big and awesome.

I’ve been meaning to come on here and fill you all in on what’s been going on in my life, but — well.

I’M BAD AT BLOGGING.

I’ve just decided that I am absolutely horrible at blogging. I can’t stick to it. I love doing it, but at my own pace and when I have things I actually want to talk about. I’ve been thinking of this blog a lot though. I guess the desire to be a blogging girl is just always going to be there?

On another note, I hit 40 readers! Woo! I know it’s not a lot, but it is to me. It’s nice seeing that some people out there actually find this thing interesting and want to read what I have to say.

I guess to summarize the past few weeks — things are going well. I recently got out of the worst depressive episode I’ve had in a while. I ended up backing out of school because I got the Jeep so I need to start worrying about car payments and insurance and stuff. I still really want to join a gym but I haven’t had the time (or money) to go in and get that sorted out.

I’m still trying really hard to get the whole “that” girl thing. I really, really want to be the best version of myself but it’s hard when I’ll do really good for like, two weeks, and then completely forget about it/ditch it and become a slob.

It’s all a process, I suppose.

Step One

I signed up for school.

I’m so excited and hopeful for the future. I’ve decided to cut out romance from my life while I try to work on myself. I’ve dyed my hair and decided to join a gym, I signed up for school, and I’ve gone on a diet.

I’ve also created a sort of “manifesting” journal with goals, to do lists, and routines.

Over all I feel great, I feel like I’m getting my life back after being so lost for so long. And this is just the beginning, I want to be the very best version of myself by the end of the year.

The Start of Becoming “THAT girl”

A lot has happened since my last post, and honestly while I would like to fill you all in on it, I’ve decided that I would just like to move on and continue with my life.

So this is it. I’m single, recently turned 25, and have decided I’m going to become “that girl”.

I’ve compiled a whole list of things I want to tackle first, and one of them is blogging every day. Now, this is going to be hard for me because I’m absolutely horrible at keeping to a schedule when it comes to blogging. But I’m going to try it for one week. I’m going to do everything on my list, one by one, for a whole week until it becomes a habit.

Up first is going to sleep at 12 am and waking up at 8 am every day. I thought it’d be cool if I document my process, so we’ll see how it goes!!

No One Will Love Me Like I Love Me

I’ve come a long way.

I tried to commit suicide on my 21st birthday, and it’s almost going to be my 25th.

There’s this song by Taylor Swift that I really love, that I think describes me in a nutshell. It’s called “Fifteen”. But honestly I think it could have been called Sixteen, or Seventeen, or Eighteen, and on and on and on.

At any age, we are going to believe people when they tell us they love us. At any age, we just want love, we want company, we want to feel a little less alone.

I remember when Jake broke up with me. I couldn’t imagine anyone else for me. I couldn’t imagine ever moving on and getting over it. I couldn’t imagine that I’d ever stop crying over him.

And then I met Peter. And I believed him when he told me he loved me. I believed when he told me I was his soulmate. I believed when he told me he wanted to marry me. I believed it.

No one will love me the way I love me.

No one will stay with me as long as I’ve stayed with me.

I can’t let another guy ruin how far I’ve come. I can’t let another guy make me cry every single day. Or make me feel stupid. Or stay up tossing and turning and wondering who he’s talking to or if he’s even thinking of me.

He doesn’t love me.

I love me.

I will love myself.

I will never leave me.

I will be okay.